“The report should be as follows: ‘In the international running competition the Soviet Premier took honorable second place. Mister Nixon came in next to last.'”
A Soviet worker was asked to describe his factory. “We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us.
A Moscow man was asked the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR. “Both guarantee freedom of speech,” he said. “But the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”
A woman walks into a Soviet food store. “Do you have any meat?”
“No,” says the shopkeeper, “we don’t.”
“What about milk?”
“We only deal with meat. The shop across the street is where they have no milk.”
See More Movies Capturing the Humor & Tragedy of the Cold War Here
The Soviet state has seven paradoxes:
Nobody works, but the official five-year-economic plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the shelves in the official stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves. Nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy. Everybody is unhappy, but nobody complains.
Nobody complains, but the jails are full.
Three East Germans sit in jail, telling how they got there:
“I was an hour late for work, so I was sentenced with sabotage,” admitted the first.
“I was an hour early for work, so I was sentenced with espionage,” explained the second.
“I was on time for work, so I was sentenced with having a Western watch,” said the last.
An American and a Soviet are arguing politics. “America is such a great nation,” said the American, “in my country anyone can walk right up to the White House and shout for all to hear: ‘The President of the United States is an idiot and a crook!'”
The Soviet smiles and responds, “So what’s the big deal? In my country too, anyone can walk right up to the Kremlin and shout for all to hear: ‘The President of the United States is an idiot and a crook!'”
Adopted from various sources, including: